i am pretty sleep deprived after a night of last minute packing and precious time with family. but i am not sure why i feel a very strong urge to write right now, and it is probably because i might not have the same juice after a nap.

it is my last day in malaysia. i will be flying to the uk in about 12 hours. i cannot believe that this is actually happening. now that it is, i am incredibly excited and finding it hard to contain. at first, i dreaded leaving as i reveled in a serious case of impostor syndrome. yes, you can imagine the past 2.5 months were not the most fun. the long episode of depression, anxiety and heartbreak, even as surprisingly manageable as they were, truly did wore me out.

i couldn’t help but to wonder if i was really deserving or capable of fully embracing this opportunity. i couldn’t help but to feel somewhat alienated by this opportunity. i wondered – do i sincerely believe that going to cambridge sets me apart from my peers? am i just another privileged middle-class malaysian who had the right connections to secure this deal? do my research interests reflect a genuine effort to shed a historical light on conflict in southeast asia? am i just as bad as any helicopter white male who thinks that they can just waltz in and document the social histories of marginalized communities? i could drive myself insane with these doubts, and i had no idea why i couldn’t stop them. after taking active measures to calm myself down and make an introspection, i underestimated how being vulnerable to the wrong people at the wrong time could actually leave you with internalized narratives of self-deprecation. perhaps they didn’t know what they were doing. but i wouldn’t put it pass them to be able to get into my head in such a poisonous way since they have done it before. well, it’s alright. i have learnt, and i am healing.

nonetheless, it was really a relief to be surrounded with my best friends and those who have been very supportive and encouraging of my journey in academia. it was best for me to have expressed these vulnerabilities to those who were kind and reassuring. dinners with a un economist / malaysian ex-avenger can get pretty overwhelming, but i guess i was kinda happy to know that i wouldn’t be struggling alone in kampung cambridge (please know that i use that term sarcastically hehe). moreover, as much as he might think learning thai is not practical, historians of transnationalism would tend to disagree with notions of utilitarianism in language learning, as they each offer a gateway to understanding cross-cultural phenomenons. which is why i have decided to put off learning thai until i have a firm decision on whether i am pursuing this topic at the phd level. so, i will spending the next 9 months learning basic arabic! a choice i had to make over persian, if i was going to be a bit more strategic about language training at the mphil level.

i also signed up for a graduate workshop titled “histories of race”, organized by the faculty of history. i was immediately attracted to it when i read that the intention of the workshop is to disrupt the “national” by exploring the impact of race ad the construction of race and racial hierarchies across geographical and chronological boundaries. it also hopes to breakdown boundaries between the theoretical and the empirical; the transnational, national and the local, and comparative approaches and case studies. yes, all these things really do resonate with what sumit has thought me in the past 3 years. inevitably, it has shaped my scholarly trajectory and i have become very comfortable at what it is able to offer. at the moment, it comes off as a little intimidating to share progress of my dissertation topic every fortnight in the course of 9 months, but i hope that the feeling would wear off and i would be more determined and focused to complete my dissertation well.

speaking of which, i think i only really starting feeling some type of way after seeing sumit one last time. accompanied by petra, a fellow minion who is being supervised to write her doctorate thesis on the subaltern histories of kuala lumpur, we adjourned from semenyih to an indian restaurant called “lotus” at jalan gasing, which he described as an institution. one cannot dispute such a comment once they have visited it. more often than not, the place really does reflect on the state of new malaysia as well – worn out, tired and desperately clutching onto the relics of the previous regime’s past. and it was here that we spent long hours reflecting on my impostor syndrome and how it was birthed from a persisting mystic surrounding cambridge as not just an educational institution, but a political one too. i guess all that matters is that i find ways to remain grounded, and actively commit to the spirit of academic integrity that got me here in the first place. i look forward to meeting and mingling with historians, young and old, and most definitely, those that sumit rests much confidence in (that being tim harper omigosh). something really important to point out, that people like amartya sen, ha-joon chang and priyamvada gopal are rendered as normal in a space like cambridge. it is only when we are outside that we often make them out to be a lot less accessible and approachable. not sure if the same could be said about the late stephen hawking though.

as the days go by, different elements about my life is cambridge are gradually being demystified. what a relief honestly. and i am beginning to feel myself again, and have the inner power to take ownership of such a beautiful experience. parting ways, i have received gifts from friends and family that are equally as beautiful, from journals to pens, clothes but the most unexpected yet poignant ought to be the ganesha statue from sumit. “i was trying to find a bronze or silver one, since it looked a little more classy but i guess this will do”, he said as he handed me this colourful, commodified artifact sealed with a tacky misspelled label, “flying collectables”. i was puzzled as i never perceived him as a hindu, whether in the practical or spiritual sense. to which he remarked, “why would you need to believe in hinduism to believe in ganesha? he frees you of all obstacles no matter what, and i hope he does the same for you”.

we parted with tears stinging our eyes, embraced in the warmth of big hugs and words i thought i wouldn’t hear from him, “i will miss you a lot”. but yes, i will miss him too. so very much. my heart sinks at the thought of this phase in my life being sealed with love, but it is very, very full right now. and now we go on to this great, uncertain road. not sure where it is going to take me, but i am ready for whatever life throws at me. i guess every time i think i am on the brink of failing my mphil, i can look up and see the elephant god watching upon me, and an extension of the man i consider to be like a father, hovering and reassuring me that he will move these hurdles away. no better way to put it than how petra did over text:

maybe he was an elephant in another life. beast of burden for mischiefmakers to carry us to school.

the elephant sleeps in a place my soul can reach.