spillin’ the tea in early modern southeast asia

it’s day 23 since malaysia has gone onto a full lockdown. i have not been the most productive and honestly, i am not sure how some people even do it. i’ve already written a long rant about it as an instagram post. anyway, the reason i am writing here again is not so much to lament my productivity, but i am seriously struggling to write an essay for my final module of the mphil. it’s called “language and power in early modern britain and the wider world”. i know right, what was i thinking that taking a course that suggests britain to be the centre of attention would be the most ideal but what attracted me to the module was its really diverse reading list. not only was europe the main interest, but our lecturer had included readings that discussed south asia and southeast asia too. the classes looked into gender, class and race informing the power relations produced by language politics. it’s a shame that the ucu strikes, coupled with my poor health and the pandemic meant that i had almost no opportunity to participate in this term.

but all hope isn’t lost. i still have this essay to write but i’m not sure how to get about it. the question assigned was

‘The study of rumour reveals more about authorities’ anxieties than popular consciousness’. Discuss.

if you’re wondering why i chose this over others, it was probably because it was the most open-ended compared to the other questions, of which i had little to respond to given i am no early modernist in any aspect of world history sksksks. i started off with getting into the readings that were assigned for this class. most of them discussed the role rumour had played in the mobilization of major political upheavals in the early modern period. in fact, one of the authors even suggested that rumour is an essential historical source to know what happened in the 1500-1700s. this seems to be true in the context what we were reading, such as the oxfordshire rebellion where the leaders of this event had utilized the townspeople in spreading news in the format of a grey area of truth: rumour. it was a pretty dense essay but insightful nonetheless.

it seems like the concept of rumour as a weapon of resistance is somewhat an established idea. i tend to think of james c scott’s study of malay society in sedaka as one particular example. he had even attempted to extend this theory in a book about “hidden transcripts”. it was kinda repetitive but it also lets you think about how communicating in the form of gossip and rumour destabilizes the power of the ruling authorities in particular moments of conflict. of course i am no stranger to this approach to the study of history. after all, my undergraduate dissertation makes use of newspaper reports as a medium of perpetuating “rumours” about the pahang civil war in 1891. but that’s the thing, this took place in the late 19th century not the 1500s to 1700s. southeast asia was so incredibly different from the way in which european and south asian history was, as recorded by the modern historian. could i have possibly found the same sort of recordation about peasant rebellions and other political upheavals in the same way ranajit guha would have examined in “the prose to counter-insurgency”? it seems like for the early modern life of asia, our political systems are not the same as in europe.

in the first place, traditional authority was still a major aspect of political life in early modern southeast asia and i don’t just mean maritime but also mainland. kinship and kingship forged power in ways that do not operate in the same logic as europe’s feudal system. and as a result, even our ways of recording the course of history was radically different. hikayats, babads, kiduns and other kinds of manuscripts feature as sources of history. although the intention of these texts is to preserve memories of a kingdom’s political developments, it is often interweaved with fantastical myths, magic and prophecies that aim to legitimize the mandate of such kings. even to this day, these are the texts that continue to be studied by historians of southeast asia when looking into the early modern period. as a result, i am compelled to think that if we were to study the role of rumour in early modern southeast asia, we cannot treat it in the same way as we do in subaltern and marxist historiographies as the subjects concerned play different roles in the tide of making history, as well as their representations. instead, rumour takes on a different form in this region. i’m not sure but would it be fair and accurate to treat the recordings of revelations, prophecies and miracles as alternatives to the word “rumour”? i cannot help but to think that this should be possible as rumours are always so contextual and manifest in different ways. i guess i could argue that revelations, prophecies and miracles are types of rumours that are prevalent in early modern southeast asia, especially in the malay world.

somehow, i felt that henk maier argued this best in the introduction of his book, “in the centre of authority: the malay hikayat merong mahawangsa”. i am so frustrated that i did not save a copy of the notes i took from sumit’s copy ughhhh!! there was this point he makes about the authority that is evoked by the religious overtones in the events that take place, while incorporating foucauldian notions of discourse and power. i guess it’s promising to have some premise to fall onto at least. so now that it seems like i have some grounding to argue that rumour has multiple dimensions and even more interpretations to make out of it.

actually, it was even funny and a little bit ironic that i came up with wanting to write about this because of langkah sheraton. the weird thing about that whole incident was that rumours of such a thing happening in the first place started almost after ge13! all the more it seems that rumour seems to be a primary force in malaysia’s political landscape so what more in early modern malay archipelago right?? well, not in the contemporary sense but it does feel like we could argue that myth-making is an essential aspect of rumour.

some of the case studies i’ve been spending a lot of time reading about include the ratu adil prophecy during the java war, where prince dipogenoro was the subject of many prophecies due to natural disasters like th eruption of mount merapi, or dreams of being declared the ratu adil in the first place. there’s a series of them known as the jayarabaya prophecies (if i spelt it correctly lol). what was interesting as noted by peter carey was that the dutch also noticed that prophecies have a central role in the collective organization of anticolonial rebellion and at some point, it was even suggested that the colonial administrators ought to pay for soothsayers and religious pundits to fabricate prophecies of the inevitability of dutch rule in java, if it meant that it would legitimize the annexation of java and other provinces in indonesia. that’s really wild. there’s also the whole debacle about the islamization of melaka which is really interesting. that story has been drummed into every malaysian student’s head since the beginning of time. it was funny that one malaysian historian had even pointed out this narrative being so “potent” in the making of our nation-state hehe. the idea that sultan mahmud shah woke up with his dick circumcised after prophet muhammad visited him in his dreams… what makes this whole thing so important was that it gave traditional authority an unquestionable position it seems.

taking all this into consideration, should i just center my discussion on hikayats and babads in general? it would appear to be a more feasible and realistic, probably truer to my own capabilities but honestly, even after all the readings i still got no juice and feel like i’ve not read sufficiently. either way, it looks like this writing exercise has been helpful for me to realize that i should concentrate on narrowing down hikayats and babads to look at, and to simply make the argument that traditional authority and its reliance on myth-making through the genres of hikayat and babad indicate that rumours actually do reflect more on authorities anxieties’ rather than popular consciousness. i am going to chat with a historian over zoom soon to narrow down my perspectives. so hopefully that helps!

was i ready for the cantabrigian life? turns out it was just not meant for me.

well, hi again.

i don’t know when was the last time i actually wrote here. well, ok fine i do. i literally did not even try writing anything when i was in cambridge. to be honest, i am not sure why looking back. i think it’s a sign that i was actually a lot more detached from myself when i arrived. well, of course it was exciting that i ended up there and to be caught up in the fervour of being officially recognized as a historian.

the first few weeks were rough because i was very lonely. i missed home and the comfort of being with my close friends. i missed my mom the most. i had difficulty connecting with people. even after getting hungover at the many drinking parties organized by my college, i found little connection with anybody and more so, i realized that no one was really interested in connecting with me. so, you can imagine how someone like me bursting with stories and ideas felt like a caged bird at some point. i was also wary about falling back into my comfort zone and potentially old mental patterns. but i thought this might change when i started attending seminars with other fellow historians at the beginning of michaelmas.

but it turns out that i was not a historian in anybody’s eyes. not only did my background of being a local (although british university) graduate in international relations disqualified me from being taken seriously, but my lack of ivy league essence, unsavory accent and passion for southeast asia would render me as a far from a sChOlAr Of WoRlD hIsToRy! my knowledge and understanding of critical theory, passion for its application to transforming historiographies discounted my identity as a properly-trained historian. what more, it was a strange feeling when you’ve been groomed and nurtured to view yourself as a historian, especially since you have done the hard work of uncovering new narratives and underexplored archives. heck, you could even have your undergraduate dissertation published as a book chapter in amsterdam university press but nobody did not see you as a scholar in your right. why is that you may ask? because we were just a bunch of kids doing our masters.

honestly, nothing has been more infantilizing, patronizing and excruciating than the cantab experience. there. i won’t lie. there were many times i had try to fool myself into thinking that this has been extremely rewarding and i would not have gotten the same kind of exposure that i would have if i stayed in malaysia. it turns out that the cambridge experience is a superficial and limited one. haih. it feels good even saying this right now. i am so exhausted of gaslighting myself and denying the institutional trauma and betrayal that i would have to carry as scars on my soul.

it was a rather debilitating intellectual experience because i didn’t actually have the opportunity to critically engage with key historiographical texts in the ways that i expected to. instead, i spent most of my classroom hours on how “this is not what historians do” or “at the end of the day all of us in this room are just bullshit masters right” or “i know everything about the world what about you i bet you don’t” or “well nobody cares about southeast asia so i guess you might as well give yourself an easy one-up in the academic route by studying this” or “students trained in area studies are simply just not as qualified as ba-s in history”. so honestly, what the actual fuck. it is hard to believe that this is where the chris bayly-s, tim harper-s, rachel leow-s, mark frost-s come from.

i know each one of them have told me (except bayly la because i didn’t get the chance to meet this giant) that life as a postgraduate student, a southeast asianist in cambridge can be a rather intellectually and socially isolating one, but nobody warned me that i would also be placing myself in a very vulnerable situation, assaulting myself with a tide of extremities. well, racism is something i could compute. as much as it hurts my feelings it didn’t hurt as much as being treated as a failure because of my illnesses. in some ways i could say that i was doing this to myself but if i did examine more deeply, was it really, really, REALLY just me being too in my head? i don’t think so. besides my health deteriorating to a scale i thought i had long overcome, i had to deal with so much of unnecessary bureaucracies and threats to my position as a disabled student. honestly, it was like a nightmare that had sprinkles of good tidings.

one thing i cannot deny was finding kampung kembrij though. this fornightly reading group on malaysian studies had been the kind of space that i longed and expected in this crazy, peculiar place. meeting malaysians in the humanities and social sciences had been the highlight of my very brief time in cambridge. and in many ways, it has also been the source of inspiration, safety, validation and creativity that i needed to find a sense of belonging in a place i could hardly reach. now that i have made my abrupt return, as i grief through the vagaries of hitting the restart button, confronting chronic pain and reconnecting with my spiritual and intellectual roots, i think a lot about whether i deserved to have attended cambridge, or that i was ever meant to be in cambridge. today, i think i found the answer.

no, cambridge was not meant for me. because i was meant for more. at this point, i only owe it to myself to produce the beautiful, thought-provoking and transformative work that i aspire to. and at the end, it is not where you are that will make you successful, it is what you offer to your environment and how you build meaningful connections in your academic community. i deserved more than i got, and it is okay. i did get something out of this bittersweet experience, learning to hone my inner strength and not trying to compromise for the cambridge mystique. i do what i do best when i stuck true to who i was and cambridge was nothing like me.

rant over. see you soon.

my mphil research summary.

Contesting “Yawiness”: Negotiating Malay Nationalism on the Peripheries of Thailand and Malaya, 1909 – 1960

Introduction

This study seeks to ask if there was an invention of “Yawiness” that genuinely represented the national consciousness of Thai Malays in ways that could not be represented by modern Malay nationalism. “Yawiness” can be described as a hybridized sense of identity that was a product of cultural, political and social tensions between “Malayness” and “Thainess”. This study proposes to investigate how its manifestation can be seen in the unrealized aspirations of Gampar (Gabungan Melayu Pattani Raya or the Greater Patani Malay Association) to “re-join Malaya” when the Federation of Malaya gained independence in 1957 (McCargo, 2012:2).

A brief historiographical context

One of the most important contributions to the study of identity and territoriality in Thailand since its pre-modern past is Thongchai Winichakul’s Siam Mapped: A History of the Geo-body of A Nation. In this book, Winichakul conceptualized the discourse of Thainess to be existing within the “geo-body” of Thailand. The “geo-body” is where the premodern, indigenous conceptions of space in the Siamese kingdom are rendered ambiguous due to the introduction of modern technologies by colonial conquests in Southeast Asia. As a result, new geographical knowledge in Thailand is faced with a ‘twofold task’: to emphasize the differences between modern and indigenous understandings or to make sense of their ambiguities and co-exist (Winichakul, 1994:59).

Besides discussing the preservation of the Thai geo-body, Duncan McCargo addresses the question of “un-Thainess” in his book, Mapping National Anxieties: Thailand’s Southern Conflict. According to McCargo, the collective fear of territorial loss to Malay Muslims is formulated by “evoking historical myths to suggest a narrative of humiliation and vulnerability” (McCargo, 2012:1). Much of this fear stems from a Thai Buddhist identification of “separatists” tendencies in the cultural, religious and social practices of Malay Muslim life (McCargo, 2012:116). He finds that Malay Muslims are quite ambivalent towards “Thainess”, leaving them with empty and meaningless choices between “separatism” and “loyalty” in regards to their relationship with “Bangkok’s political and cultural authority” (McCargo, 2012:127). As a result, McCargo hints at the historical continuity encapsulated by the notion of “Thainess” which is being discursively challenged by “Malayness”.

Patrick Jory takes the notion of Thainess further by paying attention to the contesting discourses of Thainess, pan-Malayanness, Islamism and the more particular “Melayu Patani” identity that is rooted in the memory of the former Patani sultanate (Jory, 2007:257). He makes close reference to the Malay historiographical tradition, particularly the text, “Hikayat Patani” (The Story of Patani). Based on the text, he highlights the lack of antagonism between the Siamese kingdom and its tributary, Patani, as well as the minimal mention of Islam and Malays in describing the relations between the realms (Jory, 2007:259). This compels him to conclude that the radicalism of militants is inevitably “a logical outcome of the denial of Patani Malay identity and the difficulty involved in fully accepting mainstream Thai identity” (Jory, 2007:277).

It is this historically constituted tension between “Malayness” and “Thainess” that does not seem to be captured as much in seminal works like Siam Mapped when attempting to articulate the political grievances in southern Thailand today. Instead, this tension focuses on demonstrating how the discourse of Thai political history is “structured on the loss and preservation of its territory”. Consequently, this has affected representations of the origins of “separatism” in southern Thailand (Aphornsuvan, 2004:2-3). In spite of the many cultural, social and political similarities shared by Malays and Thais, the relationship between these two groups are “characterized” by misunderstandings and fear. This might explain why “territorial nationalism and the remembrance of past wars” are central to a Thai Malay sense of belonging. At the same time, the tension between two essentialist notions of identity represent he ambiguities on the shared peripheries as “destructive sources of potentially violent conflict” (Jenne, 2014:169)

Research questions

In Prasenjit Duara’s review of Siam Mapped, he posed the question: “Does the geo-body acquire its meaning simply from its territorial delimitation, or also from a racial conception at its core?” (Duara, 1995:479). Similarly, Renard suggests that in order to define the minorities of Thailand today, there ought to be a conception of the “Other” in Thai culture that dates back to the beginning of this process in the ancient kingdom of Ayuthayya (Renard, 2006:300-301). It appears as if it is not just a contestation of two essentialist forms of “Thainess” and “Malayness” (McCargo, 2012:124). Instead, there is a certain level of particularity due to the geographical ambiguity that surrounds the Malay Muslims of Patani. As Gilquin has pointed out, the Yawi language of Patani Malays has a “specific cultural context and worldview” combined with a “powerful attachment to Islam”. Unlike its Malay-speaking counterparts in British Malaya and the Dutch Indies, the political consciousness of Patani has not secularized itself from its glorious past as a centre of Islamic scholarship by holding on to Yawi and a Thai-Malay brand of Islam (Gilquin, 2005:54).

A study to investigate the emergence of “Yawiness” is highly relevant to developing a better understanding of the national consciousness of Thai Malays. However, an understanding can only be achieved by comparing it to the advent of “Malayness” propounded by its bordering neighbour West Malaysia, formerly known as the Federation of Malaya. It can be seen that the secessionist ambitions of Gampar were inspired by the development of a modern, anti-colonial Malay nationalism in Malaya. It has been mentioned that aspirations to “re-join Malaysia” were mooted in the 1950s, but were ignored in the lead-up to Malaya’s independence (McCargo, 2012:2). Such contrasting visions of “Malayness” should be explored to find out how they have informed the attitudes of the leaders of a newly independent Malaya towards the liberation struggle of Malays in Southern Thailand and the development of the discourse of “Yawiness” as a separatist worldview.

Research methodology

To examine questions surrounding the concept of “Yawiness”, this study will compare the development of Malay nationalism in British Malaya and Thailand after the signing of the Anglo-Siamese Treaty of 1909 up to the establishment of the Federation of Malaya following independence in 1957. Besides analyzing relevant historical documents such as letters, photographs, treaties, maps, and political statements, this study will be guided by the longue durée perspective. The basis of this approach is the concept of an episodic history (histoire événementielle) which takes into account of the existence of “social continuities, the multiple and contradictory temporalities of human lives” (Braudel and Wallerstein, 2009:173). This would be useful to analyze the ideological “turning points” of political movements in Southern Thailand (Braudel and Wallerstein, 2009:174).

Bibliography

Aphornsuvan, T. (2004). Origins of Malay Muslim “Separatism” in Southern Thailand. Asia Research Institute (ARI) Working Paper Series, 32, 1-52.
Braudel, F. and Wallerstein, I. (2009). History and the Social Sciences: The Longue Durée. Fernand Braudel Center Review, 32(2), 171-203.
Duara, P. (1995). Reviewed Work: Siam Mapped: A History of the Geo-Body of a Nation by Thongchai Winichakul. The American Historical Review, 100(2), 477-479.
Gilquin, M. (2005). The Muslims of Thailand. Chiang Mai: Silkworm Books.
Jenne, N. (2014). Reviewed Work(s): Preah Vihear: A Guide to the Thai-Cambodian Conflict and Its Solutions by Charnvit Kasetsiri, Pou Sothirak and Pavin Chachavalpongpun. Contemporary Southeast Asia, 36(1), 168-170.
Jory, P. (2007). From Melayu Patani to Thai Muslim: The spectre of ethnic identity in southern Thailand. South East Asia Research, 15(2), 255-279.
McCargo, D. (2012). Mapping National Anxieties: Thailand’s Southern Conflict. Copenhagen: NIAS Press.
Renard, R. D. (2006). Creating the Other Requires Defining Thainess against Which the Other Can Exist: Early-Twentieth Century Definitions. Southeast Asian Studies, 44(3), 295-320.
Winichakul, T. (1994). Siam Mapped: A History of the Geo-body of a Nation. Chiang Mai: Silkworm Books.

where the elephant sleeps.

i am pretty sleep deprived after a night of last minute packing and precious time with family. but i am not sure why i feel a very strong urge to write right now, and it is probably because i might not have the same juice after a nap.

it is my last day in malaysia. i will be flying to the uk in about 12 hours. i cannot believe that this is actually happening. now that it is, i am incredibly excited and finding it hard to contain. at first, i dreaded leaving as i reveled in a serious case of impostor syndrome. yes, you can imagine the past 2.5 months were not the most fun. the long episode of depression, anxiety and heartbreak, even as surprisingly manageable as they were, truly did wore me out.

i couldn’t help but to wonder if i was really deserving or capable of fully embracing this opportunity. i couldn’t help but to feel somewhat alienated by this opportunity. i wondered – do i sincerely believe that going to cambridge sets me apart from my peers? am i just another privileged middle-class malaysian who had the right connections to secure this deal? do my research interests reflect a genuine effort to shed a historical light on conflict in southeast asia? am i just as bad as any helicopter white male who thinks that they can just waltz in and document the social histories of marginalized communities? i could drive myself insane with these doubts, and i had no idea why i couldn’t stop them. after taking active measures to calm myself down and make an introspection, i underestimated how being vulnerable to the wrong people at the wrong time could actually leave you with internalized narratives of self-deprecation. perhaps they didn’t know what they were doing. but i wouldn’t put it pass them to be able to get into my head in such a poisonous way since they have done it before. well, it’s alright. i have learnt, and i am healing.

nonetheless, it was really a relief to be surrounded with my best friends and those who have been very supportive and encouraging of my journey in academia. it was best for me to have expressed these vulnerabilities to those who were kind and reassuring. dinners with a un economist / malaysian ex-avenger can get pretty overwhelming, but i guess i was kinda happy to know that i wouldn’t be struggling alone in kampung cambridge (please know that i use that term sarcastically hehe). moreover, as much as he might think learning thai is not practical, historians of transnationalism would tend to disagree with notions of utilitarianism in language learning, as they each offer a gateway to understanding cross-cultural phenomenons. which is why i have decided to put off learning thai until i have a firm decision on whether i am pursuing this topic at the phd level. so, i will spending the next 9 months learning basic arabic! a choice i had to make over persian, if i was going to be a bit more strategic about language training at the mphil level.

i also signed up for a graduate workshop titled “histories of race”, organized by the faculty of history. i was immediately attracted to it when i read that the intention of the workshop is to disrupt the “national” by exploring the impact of race ad the construction of race and racial hierarchies across geographical and chronological boundaries. it also hopes to breakdown boundaries between the theoretical and the empirical; the transnational, national and the local, and comparative approaches and case studies. yes, all these things really do resonate with what sumit has thought me in the past 3 years. inevitably, it has shaped my scholarly trajectory and i have become very comfortable at what it is able to offer. at the moment, it comes off as a little intimidating to share progress of my dissertation topic every fortnight in the course of 9 months, but i hope that the feeling would wear off and i would be more determined and focused to complete my dissertation well.

speaking of which, i think i only really starting feeling some type of way after seeing sumit one last time. accompanied by petra, a fellow minion who is being supervised to write her doctorate thesis on the subaltern histories of kuala lumpur, we adjourned from semenyih to an indian restaurant called “lotus” at jalan gasing, which he described as an institution. one cannot dispute such a comment once they have visited it. more often than not, the place really does reflect on the state of new malaysia as well – worn out, tired and desperately clutching onto the relics of the previous regime’s past. and it was here that we spent long hours reflecting on my impostor syndrome and how it was birthed from a persisting mystic surrounding cambridge as not just an educational institution, but a political one too. i guess all that matters is that i find ways to remain grounded, and actively commit to the spirit of academic integrity that got me here in the first place. i look forward to meeting and mingling with historians, young and old, and most definitely, those that sumit rests much confidence in (that being tim harper omigosh). something really important to point out, that people like amartya sen, ha-joon chang and priyamvada gopal are rendered as normal in a space like cambridge. it is only when we are outside that we often make them out to be a lot less accessible and approachable. not sure if the same could be said about the late stephen hawking though.

as the days go by, different elements about my life is cambridge are gradually being demystified. what a relief honestly. and i am beginning to feel myself again, and have the inner power to take ownership of such a beautiful experience. parting ways, i have received gifts from friends and family that are equally as beautiful, from journals to pens, clothes but the most unexpected yet poignant ought to be the ganesha statue from sumit. “i was trying to find a bronze or silver one, since it looked a little more classy but i guess this will do”, he said as he handed me this colourful, commodified artifact sealed with a tacky misspelled label, “flying collectables”. i was puzzled as i never perceived him as a hindu, whether in the practical or spiritual sense. to which he remarked, “why would you need to believe in hinduism to believe in ganesha? he frees you of all obstacles no matter what, and i hope he does the same for you”.

we parted with tears stinging our eyes, embraced in the warmth of big hugs and words i thought i wouldn’t hear from him, “i will miss you a lot”. but yes, i will miss him too. so very much. my heart sinks at the thought of this phase in my life being sealed with love, but it is very, very full right now. and now we go on to this great, uncertain road. not sure where it is going to take me, but i am ready for whatever life throws at me. i guess every time i think i am on the brink of failing my mphil, i can look up and see the elephant god watching upon me, and an extension of the man i consider to be like a father, hovering and reassuring me that he will move these hurdles away. no better way to put it than how petra did over text:

maybe he was an elephant in another life. beast of burden for mischiefmakers to carry us to school.

the elephant sleeps in a place my soul can reach.

am i ready for the cantabrigian life?

well, hello there. it has been a while since i last wrote about stuff here. there are several reasons for this. the first was that, i was enjoying my fun, relaxing time away from books and academic writing, especially after a very long, stressful period of completing my undergraduate thesis. and then of course, i broke up with my partner of four years. at first, it was quite painful but now i kinda understand why this has happened. it still sucks and i am trying to hold myself together. i cannot help but to feel extremely relieved and happy to be moving on to this new chapter of my life, that basically acts as a band-aid over this horrible heartbreak. there is so much preparation to do that i decided that i am too excited to spend all this precious time grieving. instead, i promised to live by the motto, “you grow through what you go through”.

it’s been about a couple of months since i left university. i was very pleased to graduate with a first class in my degree, especially since the past three years, as rewarding as they were, was a very volatile period in my life. it feels quite strange that the air of uncertainty that dictated most of my life decisions has quelled. not just my relationship, all the money troubles and health problems. it’s not like they have completely vanished. it’s just that i have grown to accept that such issues shouldn’t have to cripple me with anxiety because this is just how life is.

due to this, it is hard not to be proud of myself. yet, i have been feeling pretty down lately. my mother had recently undergone a knee surgery. as usual, i have been assigned the task of being the caregiver as i spend summer waiting for a new start to life. however, i did not expect it to have been such an emotionally draining ordeal, and i was getting worried about sorting out my visa application on time. my preparations have also been an extremely incredibly expensive affair. finances have always been a big worry for me, and i was hoping that living abroad with a scholarship might not make me feel so suffocated. but it looks like living frugally is just a necessary part of life. i should even be thankful that i was considered for an opportunity like this?

but i have a lot of trouble interacting with people. i have not been hanging around with my friends a lot due to my mom’s downtime, coupled with the fact that i am slowly adjusting to not having a special person to consistently communicate… it was annoying to wait for hours at the visa centre, talking to young malaysians who rely too much of their worth on studying abroad, at english universities. i don’t understand what is the huge fuss. so you can only imagine what a cringy ordeal it is for me to have to say the “c” word when one asks, “oh, so which university are you going to??”, only to witness the change of expression, from simple disinterest to complete fascination and awe. not because of all the other things i do, or my personality, my dreams. nuffin’… just because i am going to oxbridge. i really, really, REALLY do not want all this fluff to get to my head so maybe it is just better i avoid mingling with undergrads and keep in tabs with my researcher friends.

in a way, all these issues are extremely petty but i guess i have been feeling vulnerable and therefore, more irritable. i don’t like the idea of leaving my comfort zone. ironically, i have always had the thirst to go abroad to study because i felt very much at odds with the socio-political developments at home, together with my household drama. but the past year has been extremely different. i started feeling more in my skin and found my identity as a historian, together with my organization blossoming with passion. my relationships were improving, in spite of losing some that really mattered. my mother is aging, and it feels daunting to suddenly not be around when something happens. there’s this fear of not being important, relevant to anyone and anything back home. although, this is probably not true. rather, it is a chance to chase an important pursuit for my journey as a malaysian.

i am there for one reason only, and that is to learn everything i can to improve the state of malaysian scholarship, as well as historical education. this is just the exposure i need for my own personal development, but also for a greater hope i have for my home, my surroundings. so what is this cantabrigian life ahead of me? i really do wonder.

netuKINI #2 neither arabisation nor creeping islamisation, just a khat-astrophe

OPINION | NETUSHA NAIDU Published: 8 Aug 2019, 6:41 am | Modified: 8 Aug 2019, 6:41 am

COMMENT | I am in full support of khat being taught as part of Malay language education in national schools.

Before I began my undergraduate studies, I decided to enrol in a one-day introductory workshop on the Jawi script, its history and romanisation of the Malay language.

I recall the wide-eyed amazement of the facilitators, who were young Islamic studies scholars.

“It’s rare for non-Malays to come by our centre these days unless they are researchers from abroad. We are happy that you have decided to join us today,” one of them warmly said.Advertisement

For me, it was always very fascinating to find out more about the overlap between the Malay and Arab worlds because of its rich intellectual and cultural diaspora.

My interest in Jawi started developing since my schooling days. This was because I realised that many prominent Malay intellectuals, dating back to as far as the 13th century, wrote their contemplations in Jawi.

Yet, this indigenous philosophical tradition had been rendered quite invisible in our everyday conversations about Malaysian intellectual history.

It was from this workshop that I learnt various scholars have concurred that Jawi writing is a product of the legacy of Islam and the Arabic language spreading across the Malay Archipelago.

The inability to separate Islam from Jawi stems from a commonly held notion that Arabic remains superior to other forms of language in the region due to its status as the language of the Quran.

The most popular held notion about the origins of the Jawi script is the one propounded by the venerated Islamic philosopher, Syed Muhammad Naquib Al-Attas.

According to him, Jawi was directly derived from Arabic, introduced by Arab missionaries of Hadrami origin without any intermediaries such as Persians and Indians.

It was from this moment on, I found myself determined to learn more about Malaysia’s past through Jawi manuscripts. During my second year in university, I enrolled in a module titled ‘Understanding the Malay World’, taught by my mentor, Sumit Mandal.

Eager for me to practice my newly acquired reading skills and knowledge of Jawi, he encouraged me to undertake a research project on a Malay manuscript of my choice. I selected the title Hikayat Syah Mardan.

The purpose of my study of this text was to explore intercultural connections that go beyond the modern-day borders of Malaysia and Indonesia.

As I furthered my study of this 17th-century Malay manuscript, it dawned on me that the understanding of the Jawi script and its origins I was previously taught was not set in stone.

In fact, there is a vast amount of literature that continues to challenge the exclusive ‘Islamic’ nature of literature written in Jawi.

Through a detailed analysis of Hikayat Syah Mardan, I discovered that it was quite difficult to pin down the tale’s origins to a single place.

Similar narratives and characters have been found in places like India and Indonesia, Thailand and Vietnam, making this manuscript a testament to more complex social dynamics taking place in the Malay world during this period.

An even more interesting discovery was that this hikayat demonstrates how Hindu-Buddhist motifs take centre stage in creating an effective narrative about its protagonist’s spiritual advancement.

This led me to conclude that pedagogical Islamic teachings that were being expressed in Malay society were dependent on older, persisting literary conventions that belonged to the Hindu-Buddhist history of our nation.

Without them, profound lessons of courage, humility, wisdom and love would have been lost in translation.

These findings forced me to reconsider the extent to which Malay manuscripts are exclusively framed within the conventions of the Arabic language, and monolithic Islamic ideals.

Was Hikayat Syah Mardan an anomaly in the vast array of Malay literature? Surprisingly, it isn’t!

Southeast Asian historian Ronit Ricci’s examination of The Book of One Thousand Questions revealed that notions such as “creeping Islamisation” or “Arabisation” do not truly capture the transformative process in religion and culture that took place in Southeast Asia.

Instead, she uses the word “Arabicised” to describe how Arabic influenced local languages by “combining with them rather than by replacing them.”

Ricci demonstrates this by showcasing variations of the book in Javanese (Serat Samud), Malay (Kitab Seribu Masalah) and Tamil (Ayira Macala).

Through her study, it became evident that the literary tradition of Southeast Asia was “richly interconnected both with a distant past and with a local present” in order to create and maintain a shared sense of identity between Muslims and non-Muslims alike.

Yet, it appears that such a conception of traditional Malay literature has become marginalised.

As pointed out by novelist Faisal Tehrani (photo) in a recent lecture, Islamic literature in the corpus of Malay language works are given greater prominence to the point they have become synonymous with national literature, relegating other genres, including more hybrid works to the side.

This has resulted in Malay literature being divorced from its equivocal origins in the past few decades.

With this in mind, the amount of negative feedback that the Education Ministry has received on this proposal over khat, or Jawi calligraphy, has been pretty… khat-astrophic.

If one were to take a glance at Facebook comments, many users write about how the Jawi script belongs to Arabic culture, rather than a Malaysian one.

A great deal of sentiment is rooted in the idea that this move is in tandem with the “creeping Islamisation” that continues to plague this country.

Even groups such as coalitions in support of Chinese independent schools, Dong Zong and Jia Zong, have voiced their dissatisfaction, and were reported to have mobilised Tamil schools to take a similar position.

It might be easier to dismiss the fear of khat to be as irrational as the fear of crosses. But in reality, there is a persisting historical context that informs the controversy that this issue has garnered.

The miseducation of khat is inherently a part of Malaysia’s colonial legacy of language management to bring order to our multilingual society.

In her book Taming Babel: Language in the Making of Malaysia, historian Rachel Leow highlights that the strategies employed by British administrators left a lasting impact on the social and political landscape of 20th century British Malaya.

As Bahasa Malaysia transitioned from Arabic to romanised script, the production of texts would also be shifted from manuscript to print form, for the ease of regulating the development of the language.

The same had occurred with Chinese languages, resulting in incessant tensions in Malaysia’s communal relations.

This would be further exacerbated by the “mentality of crisis” in postcolonial Malaysia, which wrangled with shaping Malay identity.

Evidently, these events led to the continuous absence of recognising the plurality of languages in Malaysia, underpinned by a deep resentment of a diverse society.

It is certain that a lot of work needs to be done by the government of the day to adequately address the shortcomings of Malaysia’s national education system, especially because it has cost us racial harmony.

But as a young Malaysian who loves learning about history, I would like to remain hopeful about how this move can inspire agency among a younger generation of Malaysians to dig deeper into our history without the need of a handful of historians and linguists.

In making ‘Malaysia Baru’, perhaps it is time to seek a sense of belonging that goes beyond what we have been told and ask ourselves – can we khat out all this fighting?

netuKINI 1# undi 18 and malaysia’s legacy of youth politics

OPINION | NETUSHA NAIDU Published: 24 Jul 2019, 8:12 am | Modified: 24 Jul 2019, 8:12 am

COMMENT | “Wait till you’re 21! Only then you can talk about politics! Now, whatever you say and think does not matter!” my cousin’s husband (at that time) angrily retorted at me. He was upset that I questioned the basis of his loyalty to the Malaysian Indian Congress (MIC).

I was disappointed that I didn’t get to find out how he could possibly make the case that a party so plagued by numerous corruption scandals was the only saving grace for the Malaysian Indian community.

Our argument would come to an uninspiring end because my cousin interjected with “Okay, that’s enough political talk for now!”, seeing how embarrassing it was for her party guests to witness a 30-year-old man, a former political aide, get so riled up by her 18-year-old cousin.

Years down the road, I came to learn that “Wait till you’re 21” was a yardstick to determine the extent to which young Malaysians like myself could play a role in politics and nation-building.Advertisement

That little tiff had very much informed my understanding of youth political participation in this country. Our worth as political subjects was determined by the voting age.

So when July 16, 2019, happened, I saw it as a great blessing for Malaysians who are younger than me. Unlike me, they wouldn’t have to wait for their 21st birthday to be eligible to vote in the next general elections.

Their hopes and dreams for the governance of Malaysia are now recognised. Upon turning 18, they are now going to be automatically registered as voters. They will even have the chance to stand as political candidates in their own right.

Now, this is what I would call a real conversation about “Malaysia Baru”. Thanks to the tireless efforts of Undi 18 campaigners, Qyira Yusri and Tharma Pillai, as well as the support of our Youth and Sports Minister, Syed Saddiq Syed Abdul Rahman (above), the 211 members of Parliament made a historic move to pass the Undi 18 bill, and amend the Federal Constitution.

This shows that Malaysian politicians on both sides of the divide, even in all their seniority, are in agreement that the youth need to be given more space in the democratic process.

In spite of this, there are still members of the public who cannot help but have reservations about lowering the voting age. As I surveyed Twitter to find out why, it was disheartening to discover fears of young, naïve voters being courted by far-right nationalist or religious interests. While others described the possibility of a reduced commitment to policy-based reform, as one too many millennials are fixated on their own lifestyles.

It was even more disappointing to find out that among those who hold such views are a number of 18-year-olds!

Such apathy must be addressed quickly if we are going to elevate political discourse in Malaysia. As my work with Imagined Malaysia has taught me, a lot of the anxieties that we experience in national politics can often be addressed by looking back into our past.

Since we are now in a very exciting time as a country, it is important that young Malaysians critically engage in our own history. It will allow us to locate our own voice as political subjects and be able to root its legitimacy. That way, there wouldn’t be room for a logical fallacy, such as the legal age requirement being the only source of validation for youth political agency.

As a student of history, my greatest pet peeve about our official historiography has always been the exclusionary nature of what we call “the Merdeka narrative”. Postwar political parties such as the United Malays National Organisation (Umno), Malaysian Indian Congress (MIC) and Malaysian Chinese Association (MCA) consist of middle-aged British educated local elite.

These men have come to be recognised as the founding fathers of Malaysia. Because their stories take centre stage in our school History textbooks, and they continue to be postulated as the sole victors building the nation, there is hardly any mention about the significant role played by youth in mobilising the desire for self-determination.

As a result, we have done a great injustice, not just to memories of youth movements in our past, but also to a fiery generation of scholars, activists and politicians who were once critics of the state of Malaysia’s education system and its paternalistic treatment of the youth.

Throughout the course of Malaysia’s modern and contemporary history, there have been individuals who took part in the contest for power and influence that would formulate their idea of Malaysia as a “nation”. Many of whom were actually relatively young.

It may be difficult to ascertain how many of them began their engagement in youth politics before turning 18, but there are two particular cases that I can think of that are very convincing.

One is the late Shamsiah Fakeh (above). In her memoir, she described her fervent pursuit of knowledge during her studies at the age of 16, under an influential Muslim reformist, Lebai Maadah.

In spite of not being able to escape the constraints of early marriage, Shamsiah continued to develop her political convictions, especially through witnessing the events that transpired during the Japanese occupation.

A charismatic orator, she was later recruited into the country’s first Malay nationalist party, Parti Kesatuan Melayu Malaya (PKMM) and became the leader of its women’s wing in 1946. She was only 22 years old.

The second is P Veerasenan, the vice-president of the Pan-Malayan Federation of Trade Unions (PMFTU). While very little is known about him, this notable trade unionist continues to be remembered as an important mover in organising the 1940s labour movement in Malaya, alongside individuals like SA Ganapathy and Abdullah CD.

Upon the banning of the PMFTU in 1948, Veerasenan was forced to hide to avoid arrest and deportation, although he eventually ended up being captured and killed. Veerasenan, too, was 22 years of age.

Yet, both Shamsiah and Veerasenan do not appear in the dominant memory of Malaysia’s political developments. Like the vibrant waves of student activism from the 1960s and right up to the 1990s, they, too, have been relegated to the periphery of our imagination.

Narratives about these movements have been largely hidden from the public eye due to the narrow scope of political discourse dictated by those who claim authority.

According to the political scientist Meredith Weiss, this phenomenon has been credited to Barisan Nasional’s governance. She described the regime as one that was a “rapidly consolidating, decreasingly liberal state” which dealt harshly with the movement, even as they sought to expand higher education to accelerate economic development.

While it is normal to have apprehensions about political immaturity in a time where democracy is facing a global decline, we shouldn’t be too quick to assume that the worst is about to come with this change.

This is certainly the case when we contemplate the centrality of young Malaysians in determining a democracy that is healthy, thriving and inclusive.

The philosopher Jacques Derrida said that democracy is inherently a concept that is constantly being challenged. It is often at odds with itself in an effort to continuously improve.

Due to this, we are constantly working for “democracy to come”, where much of the hopes and dreams that inform our political developments rest on optimism that society and government are committed to positive changes in the present and future. Democracy is a destination that we are constantly journeying towards.

The contributions of young Malaysians have had a major impact in enhancing the role of civil society in shaping political discourse. If the 1940s to 1950s are examples that are too dated for one’s taste, then the fact that 41 percent of the voters during the 14th general election were between the ages of 21 and 39 should speak for the capability of youth to preserve Malaysia’s democratic welfare.

So, Undi 18 is not just a spontaneous idea that emerged from nothing. It is an indisputable and inevitable product of Malaysia’s legacy of youth politics.

preparing for ielts (again).

in spite of the fact i had to send several research writing material to cambridge, i am still required to re-do my ielts test. srsly? why can’t my brown excellence be on par with queen’s english sksksksks.

i am not even sure why i am anxious about sitting for ielts again. it shouldn’t be so difficult since i speak english 24/7. but the thing is, the test is very rigid and clinical, so there is room for carelessness. i guess i should remember to keep to british spelling the most.

anyway, in case whoever reading my blog also needs some preparation tips, i thought of sharing some material that were great for refreshing my memory.

SUMMARY OF THE VIDEO (god bless that user in the comments section).

LISTENING
1. Read the questions properly.
2. Read the questions before the listening starts.
3. Answer the questions on the list and transfer to your answer sheet later. (because there may be corrections/misleading speech) [So, listen to the entire information before answering]
4. Focus on the information. It may not be repeated. Write it down as soon as you listen.
5. Spelling matters. Use British English spellings.

READING
1. Spend 15, 20, 25 minutes on the subsequent test sections respectively.
2. Answer directly in the sheet because you won’t have time in this section later.
3. Read the first question and then look for answers in the text body. No need to read the whole text first and then read questions.
4. Only use the context and info of the text for True/False.
5. If you can’t find an answer then don’t waste time. Move on and come back later. Use your best guess.
6. Take your own watch.

WRITING SECTION
1. 20 minutes for the 1st and 40 minutes for the 2nd task.
2. If you write less than minimum words your points will be deducted.
3. Practice writing at home to get an estimate of the number of words in a given time.
4. Writing should be legible.
5. Only describe the picture, don’t give an analysis.
6. Describe in a structured manner – introduction, two paragraphs (1 para for similarities and 2nd for differences)
7. Pay attention to the trends, highest lowest point. Don’t need to pay attention to specific figures for each year etc.
8. Say – the graph represent, not “we can see”, “i can see” etc.
9. Can use past indefinite or present indefinite.
10. For essay – Put your arguments and support them with ideas.
11. Spend the first 10 minutes on reading the task and thinking about the arguments, making a plan.
12. Use 25 minutes to write. Last 5 minutes to check.
13. The structure is important. One argument should have one paragraph. 14. If you think you are about to run out of time, then jump to your conclusion. Better to miss your argument than to miss the conclusion.
15. Your ideas need not be brilliant, they must be relevant and you should support them.

INTERVIEW
1. Be friendly, smile, make eye contact.
2. Don’t worry about the accent. But be clear and speak loud enough.
3. Questions about yourself – family, friends neighbors music pets.
4. Give expanded answers and not one-word answers.
5. When not sure about what to say, fill it up with an example.
6. Answer the questions one by one. Make sure you cover every part.
7. Practice speaking at home with timing.
8. Just make a story up if you don’t have one. You just need to cover the topics
9. Try the topics at home.
10. The structure here is important too. – Introduction, body, conclusion.
11. Give examples from real life in the last discussion.
12. If you have doubts, then you can ask.

DO AS MANY MOCK TESTS AS YOU CAN.

grammatical range // grammatical accuracy: use a mixture of 6 types of sentences:

simple sentence: one idea
compound sentence: one idea + one idea
complex sentence: two or more ideas [usage of connectors such as “while”, “which”, “although”, “so that”, “in order to” etc.]
conditional sentence: “if…. then…..”
passive sentences
question sentences

the last summer break.

i spoke really soon. when i got a hunch that i am going to receive an offer for the course i applied for, i received it on midnight of the same day. when my friend sent me an email stating that we were not likely rejected by the scholarship committee, i got the legit email on raya day.

last week, i met my psychiatrist for our second last appointment. we agreed that it was now time to make these the last 3 weeks of antidepressants and anxiety pills.

it’s all so scary but it has been so amazing. i opened a new bank account on my own yesterday. when the bank officers asked why, i told them i needed it for my postgraduate studies. they wanted my offer letter as proof of my claim and they were so fascinated and excited for me. i later met my best friend and she shared her secret love song. my heart is so full for her.

and me.

i had dinner with my supervisor, my lifelong friend, my mentor today at one of his favourite restaurants: ajna kitchen (formerly chutney mary). it was a celebratory dinner. it was too bad his wife couldn’t join but on the bright side, my partner was with me! though he was really quiet throughout the dinner. probably because the conversation was pretty much about me and my supervisor.

tbh i don’t know when was the last time we checked in with each other. the semester was so incredibly busy for both of us that i didn’t get to crash his office as frequently and spontaneously as i used to in my first and second year. it was so bittersweet.

he kept telling me how proud he was of me achieving this feat. it was amazing that it took us a tumultuous yet rewarding three years to come to this point. when i look back, i cannot help but to feel that this was all probably part of a greater scheme of things. lemme tell ya why.

i first met my mentor at the launch of the tunku abdul rahman scholarship in 2016. i wasn’t actually attending it because of the scholarship. at that point, i could barely even imagine applying for postgraduate studies when i was so close to not having an undergraduate in the first place! i was interning at a radio station and began to see a career as a public thinker through media discourse. so i attended the launch to listen to two brilliant malaysian scholars exchange about the tunku and his “intellectual legacies”. they were rachel leow and sumit mandal.

i was so mesmerized by the both of them. their contemplations on the contradictory ideas that the tunku espoused truly shed light on how we malaysians have a terrible habit of caricaturing and simplifying the image of our statesman. after the talk i was really eager to talk to them, but I WAS SO SHY TO INTRODUCE MY SMOL SELF so my friend (which tbh my mom thinks he might be a celestial intervention in my life because all the good things that have happened to me have usually involved him LOL) just dragged me and introduced me to them anyway.

next thing ya know, i ended up starting my degree in international relations at the university of nottingham. by then, imagined malaysia was a few months old and i grew more and more familiar with the work of sumit mandal. i got in touch with him and extended an invitation to him to deliver a public lecture on his study of keramats across regions. i was really excited about the prospect of being taught by him, because he is a remarkable historian i don’t need to even tell you that uwu.

over time, we started talking more and more. i got the opportunity to learn about southeast asian history with a more critical eye from him, alongside the vibrant teaching environment in my department. when i got into my second year, he suggested i applied for the tunku abdul rahman fund. and i was like what me i go cambridge hello puliz arrest this crazy dood sksksksks but anyway it was a great time as i begun to build my confidence and self-esteem as a researcher of history. i thought i should just give it a shot because to a certain extent, i owe it to sumit to believing in me far more than i ever could. so it was indeed a shock to learn that i not only got offered a place to study history in one of the world’s greatest universities, but also be offered a freaking full scholarship to do it too.

and so over dinner, i never realized that he was not aware of what a central role he played in my journey of becoming a historian. he had the impression that it was always on my mind. i mean yeah it was la, but not in the most determined way. it was kinda more like oh hey maybe when i am 40 something i could save up money and become a trained historian. this was mostly because i don’t have the kind of encouragement back home. i am literally the first person in my family to go into academia. well, i guess my relatives did, but it’s impossible to take them seriously when they themselves have ZERO respect and admiration for teaching. in fact, they thought it was silly that i would choose such a “degrading” path over making money. uhhh sorry cyst not into that kind of empty living. rich that it came from people who ran a college for a living.

sorry not sorry.

anyway, i digress. so basically after all these years, i actually spelled it out to him just now at the dinner table. i said “you have been the only guiding force in my life”.

“i could not have possibly been at this critical juncture if it weren’t for your encouragement, support and mentorship. those things have completed changed my life. all for the good only.”

and he was like omg i am gonna cry. man, this dinner was emotional af. there were so many moments we were both choking up, holding back our tears of happiness. it was amazing to be told that i was a single high-point in his time at unmc. that he had so much fulfillment from teaching me. and honestly, how fucking fantastic is it to be told the word “deserving” so many times the past one week about these major milestones. it feels like they are all falling on my lap, and maybe i shouldn’t be too happy about it because something nasty is about to come. but a bigger part of me is just like –

fuck it. ride the waves beb you got this!

maybe now when i think about it, everything was totally meant to be. and i guess this last summer break is a time to prepare for great changes, and no matter what – they are all going to be for the best.

alhamdullilah.

check-in 1#: post-submission vibin’

it’s been quite a long time since i last wrote here. i’ve been quite busy trying to finish my undergraduate dissertation which was due on 24 may. at first, i thought i was not going to meet the extended deadline because every time i looked at the word doc, i was overwhelmed by the sense of shame that came with leaving this project to the final countdown. but then this kiasu-ass fire lit up inside me and i was like…. “dei netusha… whatever it is you die die must do finish on time no need waste the time – after this can sleep lor”. and that was it. game on!

i had at least 10 days to write up the remaining 6000 words, alongside reading up about hugh clifford for the final chapter. it was terribly intense especially since i was even hit with a terrible flu (of which i am still trying to recover from because of a relapse lol and it is starting to feel like a lung infection). the good thing was that i had the motivation and loving support of my mom and partner to persist with writing. ultimately, i ended up with a decent piece. in my heart i knew that i could write a much better thesis than this, but i decided that i cannot be continuously punishing myself for the horrible circumstances i have been in for the past year. it has been very challenging to undertake a rather original research project, while coping with negativity in my surroundings, work commitments, as well as recurring endo flare-ups (including lumps in both my tits… haiyo). i think i deserve that pat on the back for carrying the burden of this situation while writing papers that got stellar critiques.

i wouldn’t be able to imagine this at that point in time. but now that i am looking back, i am like “ok la, i am really too hard on myself”. it is okay to falter, stumble and potentially fall flat on my face. i am not one to cope with failure well. in fact, even if the incident was completely out of my control, i tend to perceive it as a personal failure. when i could not secure a scholarship for my final year, i saw it as a failure on my part. i felt i didn’t get grades that were good enough, i was a bad daughter for not withstanding the financial and emotional abuse of my father so that i had security, and that i was simply unworthy of any form of protection. it did not help that a potential funder mocked my estranged relationship with my father. it hurt my feelings a lot, but then i realized that he is an archaic, colonial male that would be too shallow to understand the complex lives of coloured women like me. then i totally bounced back from it. it helped that my mother stepped in as well and removed me from the equation.

the rockiness of my relationship with my partner continues to be seen as my personal failure. this is because i see myself as someone ill and constantly in need of a care-giver. in some situations, partners are able to take on that role due to their strong health. but in reality, this is not at all experienced by many couples of my generation. i am learning to take several steps back and find healthier ways to cope with my situation. it helps that i do not talk to A LOT OF PEOPLE anymore. i am bamboozled by how many idiots i have let into my life (although my partner would probably think this is a judgmental remark to make but tbh i really couldn’t be bothered at this point after how much drama most of them have brewed in my life). however, there is a sense of loneliness that plagues me because i do not trust most people in my surroundings anymore. i am slowly trying to check in and build relationships that are solid. for the time being it seems to be working out well. i guess it is also helping ease pressure of me and my partner. the prospect of long-distance is also crippling, but i guess we will be ironing these details out in the near future.

apparently i got the scholarship to cambridge. they’ve just been procrastinating on sending the letters out due to some bureaucratic shenanigans. it doesn’t feel real just yet, so i haven’t been able to process it. although, i really do need to get to fulfilling my conditions especially resitting my goddamn ielts exams. yikes. i will most likely be going out in the first week of september. i will be following my sister to andalusia for her dressage training programme. i can’t wait… i have never been to europe. and after that, we will be heading to cambridge to help me get settled in my new place. i opted for russell street instead of the meadows because i am not really a fan of sharing bathrooms hahhahaha. the russell street rooms are also for graduate students only, which means i can avoid undergraduates… yipee.

another great thing to happen is that my flare ups have been dormant for a while. it is most likely because of this medication i am on called visanne. i am still annoyed at my previous gynae for deliberately avoiding me from a more cost-effective, and no side-effects solution like visanne. it would take time to shed off the damage lucrine depot has done to my body, but i feel pretty great the past month. the best thing to happen was losing 5 kgs of body weight!!!! i feel and look great, especially after my partner treated a day at the salon to get my hair coloured!

coffee with my sister after my post-submission birthday treat at the malaysian philharmonic orchestra. ugh, i love that guy uwu.

anyway, i still have two writing projects to work on until mid-june… the first is the delayed book project with farish noor ahahah… glad to say that it’s not my fault but also feel bad about the burn out. i will need to edit my thesis to meet the format requirements plus an additional 3000 words. sounds daunting but when i wrote my chapter on clifford, i instantly knew that there is so much more to include. i didn’t get to indulge further in the ‘lazy native’ tropes and how he is proof that colonial discourse is ambivalent and hybrid, as bhabha describes. i was deeply fascinated by clifford’s conflictual expressions in his writing. clifford’s life as a young british man who had a class-informed racism towards malays just opens up an avenue to critique present understandings of colonial discourse in british malaya. i hope that my contribution to the study of malaysian history through the critical study of the pahang civil war truly makes a difference.

but i wouldn’t know that would i?

i was also invited to write a 2000 word op-ed for a singaporean anthology called budi kritik. it is quite an honour to be asked to write off lately. i was not confident about the quality of my writing for some years now, and the recent developments have really been confidence-boosters. i look forward to my eventual recovery so that i can work on these two projects.

i guess i am delighted to have checked in with myself and let you and myself know that i am doing just fine. i don’t have reasons to be sad for the time being and maybe perhaps, a lot of things are simply not worth being sad about anymore.

pax.