allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.
– al-Qur’an 13:11

there is a very difficult story that i want to write here. it is about my mental and physical health. in the past two years, i have encountered challenges in dealing with the changes that my body and mind were going through.

at first, i was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and chronic anxiety by a psychologist on campus. they highly advised me to began a course of medication to treat my conditions so that i would be able to function normally and fulfill my greatest potential. it was emotionally laborious to have undergone this process because my mother was very much against medical treatment for mental illnesses. it could have a lot to do with her sense of denial, borne out of the conflicts that come with a parent who feels they have failed their children.

upon trying three different types of medication and braving through intense side effects, i was beginning to feel like i was healing. the constant pain and palpitations in my chest were fading away, my breathing was lighter and my productivity levels sky rocketed. i felt unstoppable. i got a first class for my first and second year, as well as won two prestigious awards from my university for contributing to campus and community life.

however, my chronic period pains ended up crippling my ability. i later found that these pains were actually an autoimmune condition called endometriosis. in order to treat this debilitating condition, i had to take on stronger hormone treatments. this has left my body to feel like it has aged beyond its years. at first (and admittedly, occasionally still do), i became so angry. why now? why me? what have i done to deserve this? why am i being punished? i cannot help but to feel resentful. these questions loomed in my mind in an endless cycle.

i started losing my short-term memory and experienced chronic fatigue. among other things, i started gaining weight exponentially. fatigue gives me little motivation to do work and exercise. i am now in a state of “letting go of myself”. besides this upward struggle with my physical health, i have been dealing with a terribly toxic friendship. a friend who is absent in times when i need them, but there when insta-worthy fun is there. unfortunately, the one-sided nature of some of my personal relationships have forced me to think about how i might be unlike-able. of course, the list can spiral out of control because the qualities of our personality are extremely subjective.

besides that, getting an offer to go to cambridge can rile up others apparently. mostly for the right reasons, but the wrong ones are also inevitable. for instance, my mother is paranoid about me being on my own, alone with my three “friends” (or illnesses basically). there is also the academic concern that the symptoms would prevent me from acing a postgraduate programme.

as far as i am concerned, these are just speculations about my future. and based on history, there are always and will always be WRONG. that does not mean my problem is resolved though. as much as i know i can block out criticism from those around me, i have one arch-nemesis that i am still struggling to take care of – my inner critic. tbh, i didn’t really give much thought to it being a separate entity. that was the real issue at the end. my boyfriend used to repeat to me when i got warped into one of my “friend’s” episodes, “this is not you. this is depression talking.” i never really understood what he meant by that. for a very long time, his words would just go with the wind. but now, i think i am beginning to internalize them.

“if you treasure your mind so much, why don’t you extend the same amount of pride to your body?” – ruby subramaniam

today, i feel i can fly.

after more than two years, my psychiatrist has decided that i am ready to start reducing my dosage. by HALF!! i was a little bit scared at first last night, but i am far more elated that i have made significant progress in treating depression and anxiety. in the coming week, i have an appointment with a very well-recommended gynecologist, who has been said to be the best doctor to treat patients with endometriosis. it is because of these recent events that i am now able to see more clearly that it is time for a much deeper change within myself.

that returns me to this inner critic. i just need to share some notes from a lackluster workshop i attended on campus. then again, if it was really that underwhelming then why would i share it? well, i felt the advice given was extremely substantial, but the delivery… not so. sometimes i wonder if people are going into the business of mental health advisory because it is in trend, or if they genuinely want to help people like me. in this current climate, it is difficult to tell whether a person is real or fake anyway.

perhaps that is really insignificant. at least i can safely say that i am collecting enough power within myself to tame the inner critic. by reminding myself of the progress i am capable of making in addressing my health, i can reassure myself that i am able to do anything. i guess that calls for more frequent self-compassionate breaks.