i spoke really soon. when i got a hunch that i am going to receive an offer for the course i applied for, i received it on midnight of the same day. when my friend sent me an email stating that we were not likely rejected by the scholarship committee, i got the legit email on raya day.

last week, i met my psychiatrist for our second last appointment. we agreed that it was now time to make these the last 3 weeks of antidepressants and anxiety pills.

it’s all so scary but it has been so amazing. i opened a new bank account on my own yesterday. when the bank officers asked why, i told them i needed it for my postgraduate studies. they wanted my offer letter as proof of my claim and they were so fascinated and excited for me. i later met my best friend and she shared her secret love song. my heart is so full for her.

and me.

i had dinner with my supervisor, my lifelong friend, my mentor today at one of his favourite restaurants: ajna kitchen (formerly chutney mary). it was a celebratory dinner. it was too bad his wife couldn’t join but on the bright side, my partner was with me! though he was really quiet throughout the dinner. probably because the conversation was pretty much about me and my supervisor.

tbh i don’t know when was the last time we checked in with each other. the semester was so incredibly busy for both of us that i didn’t get to crash his office as frequently and spontaneously as i used to in my first and second year. it was so bittersweet.

he kept telling me how proud he was of me achieving this feat. it was amazing that it took us a tumultuous yet rewarding three years to come to this point. when i look back, i cannot help but to feel that this was all probably part of a greater scheme of things. lemme tell ya why.

i first met my mentor at the launch of the tunku abdul rahman scholarship in 2016. i wasn’t actually attending it because of the scholarship. at that point, i could barely even imagine applying for postgraduate studies when i was so close to not having an undergraduate in the first place! i was interning at a radio station and began to see a career as a public thinker through media discourse. so i attended the launch to listen to two brilliant malaysian scholars exchange about the tunku and his “intellectual legacies”. they were rachel leow and sumit mandal.

i was so mesmerized by the both of them. their contemplations on the contradictory ideas that the tunku espoused truly shed light on how we malaysians have a terrible habit of caricaturing and simplifying the image of our statesman. after the talk i was really eager to talk to them, but I WAS SO SHY TO INTRODUCE MY SMOL SELF so my friend (which tbh my mom thinks he might be a celestial intervention in my life because all the good things that have happened to me have usually involved him LOL) just dragged me and introduced me to them anyway.

next thing ya know, i ended up starting my degree in international relations at the university of nottingham. by then, imagined malaysia was a few months old and i grew more and more familiar with the work of sumit mandal. i got in touch with him and extended an invitation to him to deliver a public lecture on his study of keramats across regions. i was really excited about the prospect of being taught by him, because he is a remarkable historian i don’t need to even tell you that uwu.

over time, we started talking more and more. i got the opportunity to learn about southeast asian history with a more critical eye from him, alongside the vibrant teaching environment in my department. when i got into my second year, he suggested i applied for the tunku abdul rahman fund. and i was like what me i go cambridge hello puliz arrest this crazy dood sksksksks but anyway it was a great time as i begun to build my confidence and self-esteem as a researcher of history. i thought i should just give it a shot because to a certain extent, i owe it to sumit to believing in me far more than i ever could. so it was indeed a shock to learn that i not only got offered a place to study history in one of the world’s greatest universities, but also be offered a freaking full scholarship to do it too.

and so over dinner, i never realized that he was not aware of what a central role he played in my journey of becoming a historian. he had the impression that it was always on my mind. i mean yeah it was la, but not in the most determined way. it was kinda more like oh hey maybe when i am 40 something i could save up money and become a trained historian. this was mostly because i don’t have the kind of encouragement back home. i am literally the first person in my family to go into academia. well, i guess my relatives did, but it’s impossible to take them seriously when they themselves have ZERO respect and admiration for teaching. in fact, they thought it was silly that i would choose such a “degrading” path over making money. uhhh sorry cyst not into that kind of empty living. rich that it came from people who ran a college for a living.

sorry not sorry.

anyway, i digress. so basically after all these years, i actually spelled it out to him just now at the dinner table. i said “you have been the only guiding force in my life”.

“i could not have possibly been at this critical juncture if it weren’t for your encouragement, support and mentorship. those things have completed changed my life. all for the good only.”

and he was like omg i am gonna cry. man, this dinner was emotional af. there were so many moments we were both choking up, holding back our tears of happiness. it was amazing to be told that i was a single high-point in his time at unmc. that he had so much fulfillment from teaching me. and honestly, how fucking fantastic is it to be told the word “deserving” so many times the past one week about these major milestones. it feels like they are all falling on my lap, and maybe i shouldn’t be too happy about it because something nasty is about to come. but a bigger part of me is just like –

fuck it. ride the waves beb you got this!

maybe now when i think about it, everything was totally meant to be. and i guess this last summer break is a time to prepare for great changes, and no matter what – they are all going to be for the best.

alhamdullilah.